my ramblings

 

eighty one

I was meant for you
You were meant for me
And every time we try
The angels set our demons free
 
After all the bad
The hope is for some good
But every time we realize
We need a lot more wood
 
Spark and toss a match
Set the trees ablaze
Burn the whole thing to the ground
To cough a smoky maze
 
Now we have the mess
Sweep the ash away
Shoo the tiny shards of heart
Off to their home of gray
 
I was meant for you
You were meant for me
And every time we try
We’re tweedle-dum and tweedle-dee
 

eighty

Not once did i
Intend to fly
Some heavy things
Hold fast my wings
 
But still I sigh
And wonder why
They way life sings
Can’t tug my strings
 
So on the sky
I send a cry
For what love brings
And how it stings
 
You see, the eye
Can’t see through my
Imaginings
Of everythings
 

seventy nine

I stay too long
I leave too soon
I soar the skies
Of my cocoon
 
I talk too little
I say too much
I drain of feeling
With just one touch
 
I cling to time
I pray to keep
I climb the plains
In dreams I sleep
 
I look too far
I see too near
I’m only there
If I stay here
 
I jump too high
I sink too low
My lips agree
With no no no
 
I fight too dirty
I love too clean
I might not know what
It is to mean
 
But I don’t mind
The weight of air
The pain of not
And things unfair
 
You see, in fact
I’d feel quite bad
If everything
Was all I had
 

seventy eight

Now I lay me down to sleep
Adrift a dream before amen
Or, if not, I hope at least
To drift before it’s 3am
 

seventy seven

Say a prayer
Fill the air
Dream and doubt
Scream and shout
 
Once you’re there
Full of care
Let it out
Get it out
 

seventy six

After all is said and done
After all the ends begun
After all in all and none
After all and all in fun
 
After all, we all are one
 

seventy five

Broken bones and broken homes
Life lives on in spoken poems
Scared of why and where he roams
Knowing’s only chokin’ knowns
 
Throwing stones
Taking loans
Dropping phones
Flying drones
 
Just jokin’ homes
 

seventy four

We are all one
Every human
You are just we
Without the me
 

seventy three

Oh, how I miss you
My dear sleep
Oh how I wish to
Draw near sleep
Oh just one night through
Of clear sleep
Oh but I quite do
So fear sleep
 

seventy two

Dark soul
Light feet
Hot head
Cold heart
 
Big eyes
Small seat
Held hand
Lost art
 
Hard nose
Soft lips
Free mind
Tied tongue
 
Weak knees
Strong grip
Live long
Die young
 

seventy one

Spot the ugliness
At a hundred thousand paces
You’re not a pessimist at all
 
Know that beauty comes
From the ugliest of places
The hero rises from the fall
 

seventy

Pick a man up off the ground
Stand him up and run him through
Swing your partner round and round
Have your say and eat it too
 

sixty nine

A life is made of said and done
Of eyes that open one more day
Of air that dances ‘round the lung
And blood that gives the heart away
 
If only life were made of fun
Instead of heads that turn to say
The price incurred by everyone
Is heaven’s cent for hell to pay
 
The cloud of smiles could burn the sun
As life soon learns it cannot play
Instead it now must choose to run
Or risk becoming living’s prey
 
So life begins what has begun
And carries on with yesterday
For what’s ahead has been and done
And what’s behind has yet to stay
 

sixty eight

Why and when and where and how
Doesn’t matter who
Only love can save them now
Nothing is more true
 

sixty seven

The pain of life is undesired
But so much life has been inspired
By heads held high on shoulders tired
It’s almost like the pain’s required
 

sixty six

A saddle
To go where I might go
A shadow
To know what I might know
 
A few thoughts
To see what I don’t see
A blank spot
To be what is in me
 
A bad dream
To wake up the shadow
A memory
To make the whole thing glow
 
A heartache
To housebreak true love’s plea
A headache
For heartache to envy
 

sixty five

Dying to walk in another man’s place 
Trying to talk through another man’s face 
Crying, you balk at what he can embrace 
Lying, just chalk up to on and off base 
  
Flying in flocks you believe he can’t trace 
Vying for locks of what he might misplace 
Buying the knock off, last season’s old lace 
Shying from clockwork – for reason, you brace 
  
Lighting a stalk of the cleanest dry grace 
Siding with occupy freedom of space 
Fighting to block out, you see, just in case 
Biting back shock when, picks he, up the pace 
  
Mining the rock of a pest he’d erase 
Pining for stock in the blessed and the chaste 
Whining in mock of the rest of the race 
Shining a crock of, at best, what you’ll chase

one

They say we're not promised tomorrow
They say all we have is today
But really, we only have right now
And now, even that's gone away

two

They heard
Your lungs
Screaming
For breath
They heard
Your brains
Gasping
For death
And then
As soon as
You notice
You're drowning
You hear
The sirens
They're already
Sounding
A rescue
And grounding

three

Fly to there and swim to here
Souls to bare and heads to fear
Make her share and tell her clear
No one's care and no one's dear
Pull a chair and lend an ear
Climb the stair and place her near
Claim her fair and catch her tear
Heavens glare and demons cheer
Draw the pair and grab your gear
Feign aware and cry to hear
Do or dare and truth now mere
Cough a prayer
Don't try to steer

four

If there were a way to be
A happy human, happily
I might be on the next flight ou
To see just what it's all about

But as for now, all I can say
Is that I've always been this way
And maybe I'll be stuck for good
I guess I think more than I should

Perhaps the storm will drown my life
My struggles lead straight into strife
And maybe when my time is through
I'll leave with only black and blue

Perhaps when all is read and done
I really couldn't stand the sun
And maybe as the darkness crowds
I'll wish I'd dreamt of more than clouds

But then again, you never know
The rain, in fact, makes some things grow

five

So there they wait
With hook in bait
An o pen gate
In to the crate

To slow your gait
Will seal your fate
So na vi gate
On for ward straight

No ea ting late
Just fee ding hate
You clean your plate
Your hun ger sate

This hea vy state
Will dis si pate
A le sser weight
To i rri tate

Now ge ne rate
And se gre gate
Then li qui date
Or just do nate

One day roo mmate
Will set a date
Your can di date
For new in mate

You hy phe nate
To just pla cate
And then be rate
With harsh man date

Six se ven eight
Now li ti gate
And then lo cate
A new play mate

You es ti mate
Ne go ti ate
But once i rate
A gain you skate

You gra du ate
You me di tate
You find soul mate
So now you're great

six

The problem is fear
It's perfectly clear
We see what we hear
Shove hope to the rear

Forget love my dear
Hate comes with the gear
To your kind draw bear
And shed not one tear

Conviction so sheer
Cannot rightly steer
At faith, love, career
The enemies lear

Our skin we would sear
For loyalty mere
Then over a beer
Give up our good ear

seven

You see right
through my 

disguise

You see light 

between 

the eyes

You see how 

I'm just 

your size

You see now 

your own 

demise

Because 

you see

I'll never fit

Because

you see

what you don't get

Is that

this sea 

of feeding fish

Has eaten me 

(I was delish)

eight

Passion
Makes

A home

Inside

The soul

Where it

Is true

 

For those

Who've known

A love

On fire

Nothing

Else

Will do

nine

When there comes a time to cry
Cold and carelessly am I

Found without a tear to dry

Heaven probably knows why

But if you ask the gods to share

All the stories of my care

You'll hear "my child, you should beware

That heart has no degrees to spare

Her gentleness has now all run

With rage into the setting sun

Her dreams and hopes as well, are done

She's rid her soul of every one

If any heart should dare come near

Her heavy thoughts will draw the spear

She'll pierce you through the core, my dear

So I'd advise you stay right here"

You see, the gods, they know too well

That I am really just a shell

They understand, I'm safe in hell

No one gets near me in my cell

I know 

sometimes 

it's hard to tell

ten

lines so clever
bind together
snip and sever too

clang a fetter
cinch the tether
pen my letter true

blackened leather
feeling better
don a heather blue

trendy setter
stormy weather
just a wetter you

pull the lever
getting beggar
shove forever through

nothing's ever
now or never
unless you never do

eleven

On slabs of ice
I roll the dice
A 3 suffice
For men or mice
A tiny slice
To help entice
It's just as nice
As sacrifice
They smile then twice
And wave then thrice
Tight down the vice
To be precise
No sweet no spice
Per good advice
Just sing device
And raise the price

twelve

is it the drugs I hate
or is it the coming down
is it the far off late
or is it the close up ground
is it the pull of my fate
or is it the wandering around
is it the wide open state
or is it the shut up frown
is it the swing of the gate
or is it the awful sound

thirteen

Hungry bears
Greying hairs
Lots of things are scary

It's only fair
For fear must stare
While life is light and merry

Poor fear must bear
The brunt of care
For all that life will bury

As unaware
Through life we tear
With only fear to carry

fourteen

the pain won't kill you
the fear won't shake you
the lies won't still you
the dreams won't wake you
the smiles won't fit you
the wounds won't break you
the drugs won't fix you
the night won't take you
the night won't take you
the night won't take you

fifteen

love is patient
love is kind
love is stupid
love is blind
love is buried
love is mined
love is hollowed
love is lined
love is painted
love is shined
love is purchased
love is signed
love is lost and
then we find
love is yours
love is mine

sixteen

it's staggering
what the heart
can make the brain
believe
with nothing more
than the knowledge
that the heart
has been deceived

seventeen

I fight myself
every single second
of every single day
to survive.
I force myself
to live
damn it
because
I'm not the only one here
who cares
if I am.
I don't need me
but maybe somewhere
someone does.
I fight
and so far
I'm undefeated.
I'm a powerhouse.
I'm a killer.
I'm bigger
and better
than that hell.
I'm a damn badass.
I fight myself
and
I
win

eighteen

I don't want to live every day like it's my last day on Earth.
I want live like it's just begun.
I want to live like everything is amazing and anything is possible from here on out - because there is nothing but life, from here on out.
I want to live like I have thousands upon thousands of ages to fill with memories.
I want to dream like there will be a tomorrow, and tomorrow, my dreams will come alive.
I want to reach up like I'm positive I'll touch the sky, like I'll pull a star right out of the night and it will never burn out, it will light the darkness forever.
I want to breathe like my lungs have just opened and the sweetness of air has just rushed in and sent a shiver of awakening through every cell in my body.
I want to love like there is nothing else at all, nothing else ever.
I want to love like it will save my life.
I want to live like it will save my soul.
I want to experience everything like it's spectacular and fantastic and brand fucking new.
I want to live like it's enough to make me curse.
I want to live like it matters.
I want to live like it's awesome.
I want to live like there's a reason for it.

I want to live like it's my first time.

I want to live like death can kiss my ass.

nineteen

To be left
Not because the love is gone
But because you were too much to handle
Is one of the scariest hurts out there
Not only does it destroy your heart and mind
But it destroys your faith in the power of love
Which leaves no hope for salvation

twenty

There isn't a single disease that has ever existed
physical or mental
that could be cured by medication.

Only the body can heal the body
Medication is just an assistant.

If your assistant is doing your job for you
eventually you will get fired.
Probably, your tail-busting assistant will be given your old position.

When you run into them a few months later at Kinko's
you get to act excited
about how sweet the flyers look
that they are picking up for their afternoon meeting
with the huge client they just landed.
The huge client you spent weeks barking orders at your assistant over
while you wandered through target
in search of just the right 3oz travel shampoo bottles
for your ninth sales convention
in Vegas
this year.
Hey man
it was a super busy spring
you were totally going to be more hands on when things slowed down
you weren't planning to go to that Dealing with Difficult People seminar in Wisconsin anyway.

When your old acquaintance asks
how you're doing these days
you tell them that you're great
and that'll be $79.50

twenty one

Don't let the darkness take your soul
It's way too small to fill that hole
You cut it square, but it'll still roll
Wheels aren't the only thing it stole

Mountains rise, thanks to the mole
Climb on up with flag and pole
Hoist it high and proud and droll
Here stood you and rigmarole

Heaping piles of hell you dole
Breathe fresh air and clean petrol
Imaginary inner toll
Kept alive atop the coal

Later, when you're feeling whole
Dark inside, from root to sole
Memory finds a damn loophole
In jalapeno casserole

Everything's ok, that ole
Infuriating bell they toll
It clangs and sings through hill and knoll
So darkness, you can kiss my soul

twenty two

Even those who cannot feel
Remember what they've heard of him
How the flavor looked so real
And how she kept her feet so slim

They'll recall the deep blue sound
That tasted of a fine red whim
How its texture, though quite round
Could not be heard beneath the brim

Hands could not breathe through the noise
No matter how much light he'd trim
It hungered for the girls and boys
Whose vigor had struck blind their vim

They'll tell you that the silence smelt
Of peppermint around the rim
They'll tell you that it never felt
Like senses could do more than skim 

Easy now, wafts through the eye
As lips hear faces far more grim
Tasting hope with noses high
While in the ears, a scent more dim

Now open wide so's not to miss
The moral of this stinky hymn
Whether you can hear their kiss
Will not protect your view from limb

So give me rest now, just a smidge
Don't touch me with the flam and flim
The water there under the bridge
Is drowning those who do not swim

twenty three

rain rain
stay with me
drip away the
day with me
let the clouds come
play with me
dark skies run
away with me
heavens fall and
lay with me
drop and share the
gray with me
blend your silvery
ray with me
sunny dragons
slay with me
escape the restless
fray with me
make the world
ok with me
rinse my soul and
pray with me
just for one more
day with me

twenty four

The air before, it flowed inside
A life on which the lungs could feed

Now the nights, in hauntings hide
The days, a constant war to breathe
The many splendored, crying shame
The heart so broken it's its own pain
The black and blue that runs the vein
The quiet, the loud, the dry, the rain
The storm sweetly lulled
By circling the drain

twenty five

I knew this was how it would be
and yet
I ran straight toward you, no helmet
no net
If there were a time I could go back
and get
I'd grab the one moment before our
souls met
I'd move it eighteen million miles to
the west
and build a big wall to keep out
any pest
I'd dig a deep moat to deter
any guest
and pray that true love would just give it
a rest

twenty six

Pull some life
Make me fight
Hand me strife
Loan me light
Fix me up
Run me through
Interrupt
All my true
Show me hope
Push me down
Quick elope
Takes my crown
Spit some stars
Crash the gates
Pinstripe bars
Prison waits
Open roads
Open books
Lighter loads
Open looks
Heated sighs
Summer reigns
Bat my eyes
Bat my brains
Feed my hell
Drain the core
Clean it well
Feed it more
Anchor drug
Chipped apart
For a shrug
Where to start

twenty seven

breathe it in
heaven's hymn
devil's kin
to the brim
lesser sin
draw to him
play to win
for the grim
think and thin
priss and prim
bleeding grin
tearing limb
breaking skin
growing dim
feel somethin
on a whim
jump right in
sink or swim
or just float
until the
tide
rolls
in

twenty eight

Sleep becomes my only friend
In sleep
I finally see the end
in sleep I neither break nor bend
In sleep
the dream is ever darkened
Sleep becomes my only enemy
In sleep
I am not granted peace
in sleep the rest is lost to me
In sleep
I find no remedy
Sleep becomes my only escape
In sleep
I fly while wide awake
in sleep I feel my soul agape
In sleep
the healing seals my fate
Sleep becomes my only prison
In sleep
the wounds dig deep incision
in sleep the waste of life's division
In sleep
death binds life with decision

twenty nine

No one is driven
To wipe the mud clear

No one will give in
To what they don't fear
No one is missin
What's never been near
No one will listen
To what they can't hear

thirty

And then, at last, the day came
That I saw that stupid light

But as it broke, it didn't feel 
The way they said it might
The sun stayed in the gray 
And the clouds just carried on
They said "You know now, 
nothing's changed...
The darkest days are gone.

thirty one

One day, something will happen
Thanks to the tocks and the ticks

One day the fire you're wrapped in
Will turn to the ice it predicts

One day you'll find your head battered
With heart, soul, and breath, it conflicts
Your spirit was easily shattered
The rain, in disguise now, as bricks

The day that the something does happen
All hell will be up to its tricks
The devil, a'stompin and clappin
For jersey number eighty six

All other shirts end up tattered
Robbed blind by the ref's politics
The field, where all hope now lies splattered
Is cleaned up with just a few clicks

One day this something will happen
They'll cling to their gold crucifix
The ship will go down with the captain
And strong psychotherapeutics

There, where your pieces are scattered
Thrown out with the stones and the sticks
You'll see that the truth never mattered
And hate all the life it inflicts

One day, something will happen
And after you've taken your licks
One day, you'll find you've awakened
To something that sorry can't fix

thirty two

No one's ever willing to
Just put out the flame
We're all too busy looking through
For something to blame
Even if it's never found
We stay in the game
Deal us up another round
It's always the same
Don't look at the other side
Just point and throw shame
And nobody call tell us why
And that's just insane

thirty three

What goes up
Must come down

First you smile
Then you frown
Once a tyrant
Now a clown
Smile fits better
Than the crown
Over, under
Round and round
Heaven help us
If we're found
Cause every time it
Hits the ground
Hope sure makes
An awful sound

thirty four

The need
for need
Is strong indeed
It feeds
the weed
And serves its greed
it breeds 
good deeds
And then impedes
And leads
at speeds
That no one reads
Decreed
Godspeeds
They should have freed
But we'd 
Stampede
To intercede
The seeds
don't heed
The crier's creed
They plead
but she'd 
Just rather bleed

thirty five

I am inspiring
I am on fire
I am a diary
I am a choir
I am entirety
I am desire
I am propriety
I am a liar

thirty six

Angels lie and bow sweet heads
Drips of rye soak up our threads
Any try, he quickly sheds
Off we fly, to our insteads
Even Steven, easy peasy
Words he'll heave in, thick and cheesy
Make believe in makes me queasy
He's not leavin, it's too breezy
Toss some more on, pile it high
Slam the door on his own cry
Not off, nor on my reply
How he wore on every sigh
Given time, could I be stumped?
All the fine goods there, we lumped
If it's mine, should I be pumped?
From where I stood, guess we jumped
Wipe a smile, wax off wax on
To the mile, just sell the con
Slapped with style that we can pawn
Once it's here, we know it's gone

thirty seven

“Talking's just awaste of breath and
living's just a
waste of death…” and
ADD's a
waste of meth and
I'm a waste of
width and breadth there's
nothing here there's
nothing left no
useful pieces
to be kept no
trace of even
where I've stepped no
wreckage sinks be
neath the depth in
ocean tide or
river bed they'll
find no ghost or
dry tears shed the
lines now clean my
demons bled in
airy night I'll
fly
in
stead

(First two lines belong to Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy)

thirty eight

i don't know where i'm going
i barely know where i've been
i'm chasing away
every thought i can't say
til i almost believe
my own skin
 
right is a dime a dozen
great is never good enough
everything glows
with a halo of pain
because
it looks something
like us

thirty nine

Reality is but a game
The score forever stays the same
The nightmares frantically call my name
I am the moth, dream is the flame
Reality is but a myth
The tangible can not exist
In dreams alone, I fear like this
Over lucid eyes, I clench my fists
Reality is but a hoax
Belief from me, it dares not coax
Inside my head, dwells only a ghost
Outside my head, what I fear most
Reality is but a tease
It fawns and sets the world at ease
It lights their hearts and aims to please
It contaminates, spreading its disease
Reality is but a dream
Bright and shiny, it sure does gleam
Cloudless as the blue, so it would seem
Within my grasp, it loses steam
It can only scream

forty

so fortunately, I
misfortunately, shy
can't bring myself to fly
unfortunately
I don't know why

I am only fight or flight
I am only days of night
I am only dynamite
I am sparked

you should run

forty one

my
mother
told
me
to
pick
the
very
best
one
and
I
do
not
listen

forty two

There are normal people in this world
Stick with me, now, I'm totally serious
They do normal things in normal ways, with normal lives and normal thoughts.
Then there are abnormal people, with abnormal (or sometimes even fairly normal) lives and abnormal thoughts.
The normal people are often drawn to the abnormal people.
They're intrigued and excited by something they can't control and don't really get and is honestly kind of scary.
Like a horror movie, it's a fun and exhilarating experience for them.
But eventually, the horror gets to be too much and it's not fun anymore.
The normal people just want to be around all of the not-scary, normal things again.
So they get away from the abnormal people in order to make the horror stop...
What the normal people fail to realize
Is that the horror only stops for them.

forty three

The fact is
Life cannot be not lived.
There isn't actually, technically
A distinction between living and "just surviving."
Even if your life is quiet and seems small or even depressing to some people
If you've survived, you're alive.
At the end of the day
It really is totally fine if you'd rather sit under a tree by yourself and read
Than go jump out of a plane
It's actually cool if you have no interest in running with the bulls
Or climbing Mt Kilimanjaro.
Doing things because other people say "dude you HAVE TO do this!"
And letting people make you feel bad for not being exciting enough
Or wrong for not experiencing the right things
Is what will suck the joy out of everything.
That's not to say don't try new things
And if you want to race a motorcycle across a tightrope
set on fire
over the grand canyon
filled with piranhas
and scorpions
throwing grenades at you
then you should freaking do it 
light that bitch up
but don't let the desperation of living like there's no tomorrow
drive you into a life
you don't really want to live today

Don't ever let them convince you that your life isn't yours.

forty four

I just can't agree with this idea
that without sadness
you can't really know happiness.

Sure, going through hell
will give you a much more profound appreciation
of heaven
but existence does not require profundity
and it certainly doesn't require opposition.

What's the opposite of Orange?
Or the sun?
The opposite of radio?
Or a piano?
Or a blanket?
How about the opposite of a person?

How do we even know that sad is the opposite of happy?
There are countless things that exist that aren't happy
how did we decide sad was tails?

Like we assume life is the opposite of death
but based on what?
Anybody here dead?
Nobody living knows what death is
we're just pretty sure it isn't the same as what we're doing now
which may or may not be living.

This belief that there can be no true good
unless there has been bad
is just like believing there can be no true life
unless there has been death
and we don't even know what that is.

forty five

over the river and
through the woods
neither place will
feel very good
pain consumes the
earth and sky
cliffs veer off for
us to fly
over, under, around
and through
hill and vail
will perish, too
birds and bees
drop to the ground
man and woman
we all fall down
sea of happiness
calm and slow
can't wash away
there's no undertow
frolicking ships
in sunset glow
dancing sailors
ignore what's below
Why can't you just be happy
Why can't you smile at the light
Why can't you dance as the sailors
Why must you give us a fright
Why must you live in the night
Why must you fight
Why won't you fight

forty six

I'm starting to feel nothing again
you were always on my mind
I guess it'll all be under control soon
I'll be under control
everything will be fine
I never needed you to be perfect
I didn't need everything to be fine
I didn't need you to be any different at all
I only needed you to be mine

forty seven

rain rain
lay me down
drench my soul
drown my thoughts
take me up
into your storm
don't leave me
on the
ground
to

rot

forty eight

This is not who I am.
This is what I go through sometimes.
We all have battles.
This one is mine.
It's unstable, it's weak, it's scary, and I hate it more than you do.
It shakes me, cuts me, scores my skin, and I hate it more than you do.
I always come out the other side and when I do, I'm exhausted and I feel so small, so breakable.
I always come out the other side and when I do, I'm sturdier and more shapeable.
I always come out the other side and when I do, I'm me.
This is not who I am.
I am what will fight.
I am what will win.
I am what it takes.
It will have to take me before I'll give in

forty nine

ADD is not "I'm hungr... look, a kitty! Wanna ride bikes??"

ADD is a life spent in all-encompassing insecurity.
There is no safety.
There is no stability.
There is no hope that anything you've ever thought or said or done was right, good, normal or even real.
There is no belief in anything, because your brain is already on the next bus before it can get a good enough look at something to determine if it's real.
There is no way to know if what you think, is what you think.
There is no reality.
There is no security.
There is only confusion, laced with apprehension, soaked in fear.

There is no net.

fifty

Grief is nothing.
It's not a process
or a season
or a cycle
or a time.

It's a hole.

It doesn't become part of you
it's an empty space
where part of you used to be.

You don't learn to live with it
you just live without it.

There's no way to get over it
or deal with it
or work through it
or let it go
because it isn't anything
it just once was.

So you don't have to worry
about when
or how
or if
it's going to be ok
because it already is.

Even when you hate it.

fifty one

There’s a certain love.
Everyone, probably, knows this love once in their lifetime
once.
It’s not easy love
it’s not heartwarming
or Heavenly
or even realistic.

It’s reckless
and chaotic
and intensely terrifying.

It’s love that is so insanely powerful
so inescapable
that it absolutely consumes you
and everything else in its path.

This love burns
with such an intimate ferocity
that it destroys you
in a very real way
you can’t survive the violence of this love.
You scream your way through the flames
knowing that this is the end.

It’s a slow and excruciating death
and you eventually stop fighting
and just let yourself burn.
Then you’re gone.

A new you will likely take a very long time to be born
if ever.

Fact is
you don’t really want to be new.
Death is a comfort
not because you fear
that in a new life
it could happen again
but because you know
it never will

it will never be again
but it will always be
still.
It doesn't die with you
the flames can't even touch it.
You know that it will be there
waiting for the new you
and you crave it as much in death
as you did while it was killing you.

You allowed it to incinerate you
body and soul
because honestly
you didn’t really want to live through this.

It has taken everything
you gave it everything
and all you want is to give it more.

Your only hope
is that the new you
if born
will be quiet about it.

But I think the main reason that it’s so close to impossible to release yourself to rebirth, is because it’s a truly petrifying realization - what you actually knew all along - that something that held so much power over you, never had the power to save you.

fifty two

Crack a smile into the fray
Under lies, float skies of blue
Sort and file the skies of gray
Otherwise, they’ll bother you
 
Pieces melt and drip away
For we cut the evening crew
As we felt, we tried to say
Sorry, but we never knew
 

fifty three

If the rubber band 
Has taught us anything 
It’s that the smallest snap 
Can really leave a sting

fifty four

Bye the bye 
Nothing I 
Say or do 
Changes you 
If you try 
This is why 
You are new 
To your true 
  
So you know 
I can’t show 
Your real who 
Like I knew 
Even slow 
I can’t go 
Down into 
What is you 
  
I can’t be 
How you’re free 
Hitherto 
Greenish blue 
I won’t see 
Since I’m me 
Your eye drew 
Its own hue 
  
Pondering 
Everything 
Still won’t cue 
Your mind’s view 
I can’t bring 
Anything 
Out of you 
Anywho…

fifty five

Why do they insist that I should let loose with my words 
Only to cling fast to likes when what I say’s disturbed 

Why do they demand off record that I write it down 
Only to pretend they didn’t hear that awful sound 
  
Why do they encourage me to share the things I feel 
Only to unfriend me when I write it way too real 

Why do they require every scrap of what I think 
Only to politely recommend a decent shrink 
  
Why do they want all of me because I’m not all there 
Only to malign a diagnosis when I share 

Why do they cry out for more of what and how I know 
Only to jump ship if I should let the river flow 
  
Why do they now pressure me to give the world my thoughts 
Only to disown my head if I reveal their plots 

Why do they implore me to expose my damaged brain 
Only to ignore what’s clearly dripping down the drain 
  
Why do I give any fucks about their thoughts on me 
Guess I’m making damn sure that my mind will not be free

fifty six

If nobody beamed, nobody’d dream 
If nobody dreamed, nobody’d scream
If nobody pried, nobody’d lie 
If nobody lied, nobody’d cry
If nobody talked, nobody’d balk 
If nobody balked, nobody’d walk
If nobody died, nobody’d try 
If nobody tried, nobody’d fly 
If nobody dropped, nobody’d stop 
If nobody stopped, nobody’d flop 
If nobody owed, nobody’d show 
If nobody showed, nobody’d know 
If nobody knew, nobody’d do 
If nobody smiled, wouldn’t it be wild?

fifty seven

You wouldn’t think it such an awesome feat 
While watching love and all its crazy stunts 
To hold together two loose ends that meet 
It only has to last forever once

fifty eight

Over the river and through the woods 
Then from sea to shining sea 
If my words were read by millions 
Would you read them differently?

fifty nine

Regarding love and hopes and dreams 
And other horrors of the heart 
Yes, it hurt to have you leave 
But worse, to have you here to start

sixty

If you slouch 
You’re a slob 
Stand up straight 
You’re a snob 
Wear a small 
Got a prob 
Clean your plate 
You’re a blob 
Grow up tall 
Hate a job 
Need a thing 
A ma bob 
We get rich 
Then we rob 
Earn a glop 
Take a glob 
  
We’re alive 
So we sob

sixty one

Damn, they’ve got us good with this one 
Watch their talkin’ grow that honker 
They can see that we are all one 
(that’s why they divide and conquer)

sixty two

Over the river and through the dumb woods 
Knocking down trees in your search for some should 
Trampling bunnies and stupid red hoods 
You and the wolf 
You’re the misunderstoods

sixty three

Knock knock 
Who’s there 
I just 
Don’t care 
(maybe you could go away) 
  
Honey 
I’m home 
Leave me 
Alone 
(don’t come back another day) 
  
Open 
Says me 
Heaven 
Bless me 
(I’m just kidding, god’s not here) 
  
I’ll huff 
And puff 
Well that 
Sounds rough 
(should’ve tried that first, my dear) 
  
Welcome 
To the 
Apath 
Party 
(come and find stuff not to try) 
  
We’re so 
Lame-o 
That’s no 
Typo 
(no one cares about the Y)

sixty four

While away 
Yesterday 
Stop to play 
Come what pray 
  
Find a friend 
Til the end 
Heaven send 
Time away 
  
Not a care 
Would you dare 
Not a hair 
Would you stray 
  
Steady now 
Heavy brow 
Still an ow 
Yet to slay 
  
If it’s too 
Much for you 
Knowing who 
Might or may 
  
Jump out quick 
Leave the trick 
Take the brick 
In dismay 
  
But should we 
Learn to be 
Breathlessly 
In today 
  
We would find 
No rewind 
For the blind 
Disarray 
  
Tell them hi 
Shuffle by 
Show them why 
One might say 
  
You’re the whiff 
They should sniff 
Only if 
You are they